More Advice for Confused People
A couple more letters I am co-opting from Dear Abby. Let's think of it as Dear Tobacco. People just freak me out somtimes.
Letter 1 - Dear Tobacco,
My wife's is constantly spending time with her best friend Claire. They trade really expense gifts that we can't afford, Claire takes her on 2 week vacations to exotic locations while I stay at home, they spend at least 3 hours every day talking via phone or online chat, they give eachother long oil massages on our bed. When they are together my wife completely ignores me even when I ask her something repeatedly, and they make it appoint of getting together every week even though they both work full time and live more than 50 miles apart. They are also constantly making bets, and the loser HAS to give the winner an oil massage.
Should I be worried about this or is my wife just in need of a friend?
Signed Tard in Denial
Dear Tard,
You are a fucking moron. Set up a damned video camera and open up a website called "freakylesbianwife.com". Cause that's what she is. GAY. Spelled G-A-Y. Don't believe me? Try to find 3 other sets of girlfriends where multiple weekly oil massage sessions between them is the norm. And your probably gay too, so go find yourself a nice boyfriend to blow so that you can drown your sorrows.
If your not gay get sterilized - such brainpower is too valuable to pass on to other generations.
Signed - TM
Letter 2 - Dear Tobacco,
My fiance has told me that he is an orphaned only child who managed to graduate college and wants to wed me to have a family even though he's always been sterile. Turns out that he has two brothers, his parents are alive and he has 4 kids (still pays child support on two wee little tikes). What I'm wondering is do you think I can still trust him?
Signed - Dumb Broad about to get Hitched
Dear Dumb Broad,
I think you should marry him. I am certain that the many wonderful social diseases he brings home from his whoremongering and affairs (which I am sure he will deny for you which would be sure proof he is) and the dozen or so kids you will kick out since you won't need protection because he's sterile. I'm sure your lying tard kids (since it will get both your fucked up genes) will make you very happy when he runs off to suckle on dead mommy's tit again someday.
Letter 1 - Dear Tobacco,
My wife's is constantly spending time with her best friend Claire. They trade really expense gifts that we can't afford, Claire takes her on 2 week vacations to exotic locations while I stay at home, they spend at least 3 hours every day talking via phone or online chat, they give eachother long oil massages on our bed. When they are together my wife completely ignores me even when I ask her something repeatedly, and they make it appoint of getting together every week even though they both work full time and live more than 50 miles apart. They are also constantly making bets, and the loser HAS to give the winner an oil massage.
Should I be worried about this or is my wife just in need of a friend?
Signed Tard in Denial
Dear Tard,
You are a fucking moron. Set up a damned video camera and open up a website called "freakylesbianwife.com". Cause that's what she is. GAY. Spelled G-A-Y. Don't believe me? Try to find 3 other sets of girlfriends where multiple weekly oil massage sessions between them is the norm. And your probably gay too, so go find yourself a nice boyfriend to blow so that you can drown your sorrows.
If your not gay get sterilized - such brainpower is too valuable to pass on to other generations.
Signed - TM
Letter 2 - Dear Tobacco,
My fiance has told me that he is an orphaned only child who managed to graduate college and wants to wed me to have a family even though he's always been sterile. Turns out that he has two brothers, his parents are alive and he has 4 kids (still pays child support on two wee little tikes). What I'm wondering is do you think I can still trust him?
Signed - Dumb Broad about to get Hitched
Dear Dumb Broad,
I think you should marry him. I am certain that the many wonderful social diseases he brings home from his whoremongering and affairs (which I am sure he will deny for you which would be sure proof he is) and the dozen or so kids you will kick out since you won't need protection because he's sterile. I'm sure your lying tard kids (since it will get both your fucked up genes) will make you very happy when he runs off to suckle on dead mommy's tit again someday.
posted by Phil M. at 4:28 PM
2 Comments:
I love these. You should syndicate.
I read that first one the other day too.... That guy is fuckin blind.
M g/f and I have a lunchtime ritual since we work together we have lunch together everyday and after we are done eating we play Dear Abby.
I read her the question and she responds in a manner similar to yours. Then we go back to work!
Post a Comment
<< Home